the bittersweet SELAH

2016-2017 has been a ride wild thus far, to say the least.

earlier this year, Dad started speaking to me. May it bless your heart, as it has mine as I've pressed deeper into the truth of His goodness and faithfulness:

God to Britt: "I'm pruning, preparing, posturing, positioning, pressing, and protecting you, Princess! I am the constant thread in your life among everything else that seems scattered. There is no 'answer,' but rather a way to see Me in all circumstances. There are no 'dreams' without seeing Me in/through them. Bring everything to the light with Me. Can't you see I'm working in your midst? Don't overdo it--stay close to Me! Everything else can fall apart on earth--marriage, family, job. I am the only firm foundation. Everything can be questioned--Jesus is the only true understanding. "

SELAH.

You see, over the past year, those things in my life listed HAVE, quote-en-quote, "fallen apart."  By no means to overshare, but I know the power that lies in my own vulnerability of sharing my life snippets from the last year:

I turned down and walked away from my dream job of performing at Disney.  

I entered into a ministry program I was unsure about, and almost didn't start because of sickness, scheduling conflict, and even an odd financial setback.

I entered into a new job.

My marriage was tested under the stresses of scheduling and lack of time in crazy Hong Kong. 

I was deeply homesick from living on the other side of the world from my home country and my family. 

My Mom was diagnosed with breast cancer. 

My two best friend's Mom and sister were diagnosed with different types of stage 4 cancers.

My best friend walked through a depression.

I had a Visa issue that delayed my time in HK and kept me from my HK life for almost a month.

YET His perfect peace has swept over me in a tidal wave of grace. He has redeemed every single situation that I have surrendered over to Him. He's in the business of taking the wreckage and turning it into something beautiful!

My dream job at Disney came back with another perfectly timed offer.

The ministry program I entered has completely revitalised my faith! God has used this platform to completely transform my walk in newness of life with Him! I went to the first class sick and somehow made it through, I fixed the financial issue, and God has worked my hectic schedule out almost perfectly to attend each week!

The job change was one of immense growth in an incredible support system. God freed me from the fear of man through immense growth. Each step of the way was so beautiful and FULL from the people I was surrounded by! I am still able to serve with my church in tandem with being back at Disney.

My marriage is continually redeemed and refreshed, full of love and wonder, and God has given and showed us how to make more time together, and get creative! Communication, forgiveness, and inner healing practices on both ends have also been beautiful, invaluable gifts and growth areas.

I was able to go home not only once, but TWICE, to see my family! The second visit was extended significantly as I got to stay home and even more time than I anticipated!

I got to walk with my Mom in-person at her treatments! She is now in remission after her radiation! #Hallelujah!

One of my best friend's Mom gave her life to Christ, and though is still in chemo, had a successful surgery, and has a refreshed outlook from her newfound faith! The other best friend's sister is also still going through chemo but also had a successful initial surgery, and we are believing for more miracles!

My best friend came through her depression, and through a series of events, is able to go home to her family for good, and testify of His goodness! God spoke powerfully through her community and Hong Kong in assuring her that going home was the right decision! <3

God took care of my extended Visa issue, in such a smooth transition, that gave me even more time at home to be with family!

THIS WAS MY GIANT, BLESSING OF A 'SELAH!' #WONTHEDOIT #COMEONSOMEBDODY #THISISOURGOD #HEHASTURNEDTHEBITTERINTOSWEET !!!!!

MY SELAH'S (EXCLAMATION OF STOP//PAUSE//PONDER!):

Jesus is in the business of turning things around. He is not only so ridiculously good that He turns it around, but He promises to BE WITH ME. He promises EXCEEDINGLY, ABUNDANTLY, and ABOVE, all I could ask or imagine! #SELAH

THE BEST PART--when I was going through these things, I WAS GROWING. It was BITTER. But it was SWEET. And when He takes through something, you come out on the other side to shout it out to others, to bless people with His immense, unfathomable goodness! #SELAH

The true difference in the two lists are simply the presence of Jesus. Even if nothing changed, I learned to be satisfied regardless of the outcome. I learned to love the Giver of the gifts more than the gifts (of hopes, of dreams, of relationships, of time) themselves! #SELAH

I learned that He is truly in the business of turning things around--all for His glory, not mine! #SELAH

I learned to trust in Him, actually FULLY, and not rely on FEAR, which is only: "False Evidence Appearing Real." #SELAH

I learned to be in Perfect Peace in Him even when I'm not sure of the next day's outcome! #SELAH

The Word of God and Prayer have become actual pillars in my life with which I find sheer delight! #SELAH

My time spent with the Spirit of God, inviting Him to every moment, is utterly intoxicating! #SELAH

My prayer language has busted at the seams. #SELAH

Freedom has washed over me to be the most free Brittany I could possibly be. #SELAH

Won't He do it. God is always up to something unimaginably good. And the SELAH is so WORTH IT.

(PS: A song that has blessed me immensely in this season, "Perfect Peace"):

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=f0ocuiLNELc 

greener pastures & quieter waters

this prayer model has been a wonderfully practical, yet fundamental way to commune with my Father, as of late:

Adoration (adoring my Father, first and foremost, for who He is)

i adore Your faithfulness in the past, present, and future of the entire Universe

Confession (confessing my inherent sinful nature)

i confess my mistrust of Your faithfulness and questioning of my place in Your grand scheme

Thanksgiving (thanking Him for all that He is, all that He's given)

i thank You for not only creating the Universe, but dwelling with me in it & sustaining me through it

Supplication (presenting my requests to His attention) 

i ask you to help me to dwell even closer with You & get my attention off of myself and onto You in everything I do

excerpts from Psalm 23

the Lord is my Shepherd,

{the Lord is everything. He is beginning and End. in Him encompasses anything & everything i could every possibly need. He is a Shepherd, therefore i am a helpless sheep, in desperate need of guidance} 

I shall not want.

{i do not have want for anything. i lack nothing.} 

He make me lie down in green pastures,

he leads me beside quiet waters,

{He helps me to stop and smell the aromas//stop and see the wildflowers//stop and feel the fresh breeze//stop and realize He is present. He helps me to stop and take stock of my life. He forces me to be still and remain in His love. He interrupts my constant questioning and asks me to just 'be.'} 

he restores my soul.

{He heals my brokenness. He comes flooding into all the places where I am lacking. He fixes my heart.}

He guides me in paths of righteousness

{He shows me the way to go. He naturally holds my hand and brings me towards Himself}

for His name's sake.

{He brings me through to then be in greater partnership with and for Him}

it is well

with my soul

seasons are changing {well, not here in HK, weather-wise! haha!}. here i am again, laying down in the most beautiful way that only following Christ can be. over the past couple of weeks, i have literally, physically laid down more than i'd like to admit. but, it was crucial for me after a particularly taxing season--emotionally, physically, spiritually, mentally. the last two weeks have essentially been a healing period after an extremely tumultuous (for better and worse reasons!) stretch of months. without divulging into too much detail, i essentially had a crossroads point in my world, in the last couple of months, where i needed to make an important decision. a decision that was seemingly practical and matter-of-fact to most, yet painfully difficult for me personally, due to my dedication to the nature of its presence in my life. i toiled and toiled and toiled and toiled until my head was spinning. i sought guidance from various trusted accountability sources. i asked god in prayer. i sought my personal understanding and rationality of what seemed best. but, nothing seemed to be particularly clear or make sense to me like it usually did. {God has such a sense of humour...He will speak to us in such differing ways depending upon the circumstance!} i could not justify making my decision either way, and it seemed to eat me alive. ultimately, from the help from the Holy Spirit, knowledge of free will and God's plan going before me, i decided to take a particularly difficult step from a situation of comfort into the unknown. a step of faith. with that came deep sadness for the subsequent change, expected/unexpected fears, questioning, and ultimately a battle of self-worth and, perhaps even, a mini "identity crisis." once i had made my decision, i was still crippled with fear, almost even more so than before! it was an extremely difficult time of trying to process and understand why i was going through these changes & what it meant for the past and the future. "what does it really mean?" "what is my purpose?" "then how is God using/not using this season?" i realized i was putting God in a box by pressuring answers from those questions. i realized i was putting so much pressure on myself, my abilities {and lack therof!} & the outcome of my next steps. i realized i was once again not trusting or believing His infinite goodness and plan.

the Lord, in the perfect ways He best knows, took me to those {literal and figurative!} "green pastures" and "quiet waters." i had time to just be with him. i had time to mourn the loss of a season. i had time to just rest and heal. i had time to ask questions. i had time to accept my decision{s}. i had time to explore and adventure. i had time to actually get excited and expectant for what's next. i had time to process verbally and non-verbally. i had time to dispel the Devil's lies and take every thought captive, replacing them with the Truth of the gospel i so desperately need.

the ways in which i want to encourage others through my experiences as of late, is this:
1) life doesn't always make sense, but if we keep our eyes on Christ, the answers we so long for are available: they are all found in HIM! they are found in the simple-everyday, yet profound time with Him. 

2) i cannot put hope in myself, in my abilities, or my dreams {they will fail me, cripple me, leave me spinning} but rather put all my hopes and dreams in Christ, who will never fail me!

3) His plans are higher. waiting for him in those pastures and beside those waters is the most beautiful thing i could ever do. the waiting is worthwhile. the joy is in the journey. the plans i muster up are simply average, at best, whereas His are magnificent and perfect, because they come from the Author and Perfecter!

4) i cannot put performance above purpose. purpose always trumps performance. God longs for me to know Him and Love others so much infinitely more than He longs for me to do something great. in fact, He doesn't care much about what i do! He cares about the WHO of the heart and the WHY of the intention. i am not what i do, but who i am in Christ.

have your way, Father. not my will be done, but "Thy will be done!"

grace upon grace upon grace (upon grace)

don't be afraid for My love to bless you. My love will knock you off your feet. behold, i'll do a new thing. you don't even see it coming. did i mention I'm in love with you? trust in Me always. I'll never let you down. you can't make up my goodness. you're not a disappointment. you're not a quitter. settle in and rest with me awhile. don't think of this season as the world does. humble yourself for what's next. just keep your eyes on me. i've got you close. something is coming. on the verge. don't limit me to what i want to do. remember my ways are seemingly strange. fix your eyes on heaven. with Me it's always a party, a celebration, a reason to sing. don't think I've forgotten your dreams. they often come in a roundabout way. seek Me still. I see your faithful heart. I want to be the source of all the longing-remember to keep handing it to me. I'll keep you so safe. I see every little thing going on inside you yet I still withhold nothing from you that isn't meant for you. I know what's best. enjoy the journey right here and now. when you want to jump ahead just hold onto me tighter. this moment is most precious when you invite me to the table to share it. I know every sweet, sweet treat that delights your soul...perfectly catered to you, daughter. and I shared in your delights here on earth. how much sweeter they are when we relish in them side by side! in your heart be glad and rest assured not one thing is by happenstance--I long for each delight to only be reflected back to my goodness and glory over all things. I am the sweetest, softest breeze. I am the sunlight on your face. I am the overwhelming lookout post atop a mountain. I am your favorite melody. I am the smile on the face of a stranger. I am the epitome of the sweestest things your treasure all wrapped up into one.

Savour Me.

Delight in Me. 

Dance with Me.

Give back the praise of your delights to Me, your Father in heaven. 

I love you, endlessly.

Change (or lack there of)

There's no use getting around it: I hate change. I hate goodbyes. I hate when seasons end. I hate when schedules change. I hate when things feel out of control and all cray cray. I'm a stage 5 clinger, in the worst way. Clinging to the present, the way things are now...which is really imminently slipping through & becoming the past. There's one. I cling to the past so freaking hard.

...Let's not also forget that I tend to strongly dislike it when things don't change when I want them to--it's a reverse nightmare of human nature! How much am I unable to stand it when "so much" in my world stays the exact same and I feel stuck and left behind. When living in a huge city where most are coming in & out like a revolving door--goodbyes & hellos are so frequent, one cannot keep count. When I wonder and head-scratchingly pontificate on the future of when I will move from this place//when I'll have kids//when when when will it all happen? There's another! I cling to the future so freaking hard. 

Here it comes again. It seems as if I'm always faced with change (or lack there of) in Hong Kong. I can feel it, this is one of those challenges I'm supposed to embrace!! Yet every time it smacks me in the face and knocks me off my feet and punches me in the gut. The end of a contract, a goodbye to a friend I've spent a majority of my days with, a slew of timely visitors so fully chaotic & wonderful to have, yet gut-suckingly painful to watch depart. I don't desire anything to change, yet I want everything to change, all at the same time.

It's good to cling to some things...no? I would certainly agree, otherwise how would I deeply connect to things in the way that only I, Brittany, uniquely do? My Father made me that way, only in my mess I misguidedly continue to cling to the wrong things, things that take my attention off His good gifts. Cling to wisdom...Cling to grace...Cling to hope....HOPE. That's it! That's the word where my spirit jumps and I do a little dance inside like "God, you got me, I know that was you!" The one and absolute and perfectly obvious remedy for me that I miss, and fight for, and never fully attain. Not a hope in myself or my future or my things or my goals. A simple hope in the One. A pure, unashamed hope in the Father who wants to lavish his love on me. The One who NEVER changes. The One who is so steadfast and unchanging that it blinds me, in the best way, to focus on Him alone and get off myself and my circumstances. The Reminder-er who will stop time and ask me to simply "be" and "be with" Him to have some of the best chill time on planet earth.

Thus far in 27 years God has been pretty epic with the timing of my life. Why don't I just step back off the gas pedal and remind myself how infinitely, perfectly, ridiculously awesome his timing is..in all things! Jesus, help me to Hope for You and nothing else (lawd help me!) Help me not to put my ultimate, deepest Hope in change (or lack there of). 🙏🏼

1 Year in Hong Kong

O

I can't help it. It's an incredibly strange time realizing I have been {survived} in Hong Kong exactly 1 year. Rather than an organized rundown, all I have is Snapshots of thoughts I deem personally special or pivotal. I still remember the night my husband casually asked me about Hong Kong while eating Mexican in Hell's Kitchen all those months ago, my heart jumping at the chance. Then came the actual season of leaving my favorite city that broke my little heart, yet knowing deeply it was God's plan to go before us, bring us, sustain us, & plant us in Hong Kong. The leap of faith was, as we had hoped, all worth it {even in moments of question, frustration, or loneliness}. I don't pretend to understand everything about this remarkable, fascinating, unlike-any-other-place PLACE, but my experience serves for something, and I'm excited to discover more {& more & more & more!} on the continuing journey. 

{MOMENTS OF HILARITY} 
-Wishing you could properly communicate with your neighbors/check-out lady/cab driver/doorman instead of using interpretive dance moves paired with the only 3 broken phrases you know how to say {which could be interpreted in Cantonese as something else entirely}. I once told my doorman I wanted 5 chickens, apparently.

-Moving furniture with a van traipsing down a mountain while smooched in between the seat cushions of couch you found from a guy on Asia Expat {HK Craigslist}. Worried you may not survive the ride with your new Canto pal calling you a "gwei-lo" {'white ghost' in Cantonese}

-Laundry day taking the wash & fold...like any other city, right? Except add a touch of 100% humidity in the summer, a sprinkle of creepy alleyways, one big set of old cobbly stairs, 2 consecutive steep hills {10 cats & 15 medicine shops included, no extra cost}

-Wondering what you're consuming/discovering it's the most amazing food on the planet! {In my humble opinion}: dim sum, congee, buns of all kinds, noodles noodles noodles, rice rice rice, hot pot, peking duck, doughy-goodness that is baked goods of all kinds {I prefer over baguette any day, personally!}, dumplings, adobo, chicken feet {OK I didn't love those}...the list of deliciousness is endless!

{MOMENTS OF BEAUTY: Realising a great love for the people & culture of Hong Kong}
Falling on love with a culture I don't even fully comprehend {I never had a heart particularly for Asia in the past} // loving people I don't even know {those I have met: I have yet to meet such truly welcoming, warm, hospitable people...those I have yet to meet: seeing an unknown family interact gives me joy beyond explanation} // Learning so much about a place/area of the world I don't even fully understand {there are such intricacies historically & culturally in SE Asia spanning space & time, I bask in the opportunity to learn more!}. I'm broadly describing these particular cultural observations regarding my sphere of a complex hybrid of born & raised Hong Kongers with international Cantonese/Chinese/Taiwanese/you-name-it folks with international expat community of Australians/Europeans/Americans/you-name-its. It's a remarkable mix, undoubtedly my favorite thing about Hong Kong, the "east meets west" global, gorgeous city. To see people from all these spheres intersecting is something so culturally rich & special that it actually makes me both head-scratchingly dumbfounded at the possibility/heart-explodingly excited at the reality that I get to live here! I look around the tables of dinners & gatherings I've joined & see friends from so many walks with so many wonderfully enlightening perspectives on the vast world we live in. We are united as human beings, not dependant on race, custom, belief, or where we come from.

That leads me to..

{WHERE IS HOME?! Says an American married to a German living in China...}
There are moments where, as an expat, you are both not present in your own home culture, while realizing you also stick out like a sore thumb/don't quite fit in the foreign place you're living in..and that is OK! Realizing my existence in a current place is not dependent upon where I'm from/where I'm are going. My perspective has shifted immensely, and it takes the pressure off those dreaded questions like "where do you see yourself in 5 years?!" The way my beliefs have grown over almost 27 years is quite subjective & thus likely to change based upon my experiences here. Just like 4 years in NYC, it leaves an indelible mark. Here in HK  it's been humbling to realize there are people I've met here who have never been to my home country nor really care to visit. Once the jokes wore off "what do you mean you haven't been/don't want to go to the US??" I chuckled at the reminder that the center of earth is not America. :) I LOVE that! Hong Kong is not my home..Germany is not my home..even America, my beloved, my country, is not my home. Heaven is my home & my destination. For me, that just clears up so much extra superfluous pride that often gets in the way of living an open, mold-able, vulnerable life (within reason!). I am the maleable clay & hope to be continually shaped by the people I meet & the places I call temporary home :).

There are a million more moments I could share, but for now:

Hong Kong, thank you for one incredible year. 

Jesus, thank you for letting me live every second of it.

seeing wonders & doubting miracles

I'm here again, in the daily dance of faith...fight of faith! Some seemingly, stupidly small things in my world lately have, honestly, got me in a funk. But at the same time, [Matthew 16:24-26 ESV] has been on my heart a lot lately. "If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. For whoever would save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it. For what will it profit a man if he gains the whole world and forfeits his soul?" The precious, precious word of God saves me again. Oof. Doesn't sound like the kind of wonder we want to experience, though, does it?! When Jesus bore an unthinkable cross for us, he invited us to the unimaginable, messy journey of following Him. For the wonder & miraculousness of relationship with him we experience, there is also great pain in our brokenness in a broken world.

How often am I truly looking for wonders around me? To stop & see the unfathomable beauty that is everyday life! For God to display His awesomeness. Truth is, he is always displaying his awesomeness because he is the "ness" of "awesome" in itself! He invented awesome. I recently decided to ask God to show me a miracle a few weeks back. I asked with particular excitedness, yet at the same time, just a seemingly normal, yet willing request. It makes me think of, metaphorically, flexing my faith muscles to test them! I love that. I actually really love, love that! I love that we can genuinely come to Him with anything on our hearts. Not just rote prayers, but real wonders of our souls, regardless of how seemingly grand or tiny. The sweetest of best friends who is eagerly waiting & actually expectant for us to run to Him with the latest 4-11 on our lives. We can ask because we genuinely believe He is the God of Wonders! Because He cares! Reminds me of the verse "cast all your anxiety on him because he cares for you" [1 Peter 5:7 NIV] Little did I know what the miracle I asked for would be, and low-and-behold, (once I had almost forgotten about it) I had a close friend request for prayer regarding her dad's heart: he had suffered a stroke and needed potential surgery. I prayed a simple prayer for him along with their family...nothing miraculous except for my genuine belief that he would be healed in Jesus name (that's the power of our faith in prayer!) The next day, I was told he had a heart that looked like that of someone around my age of even younger....umm YAS LORD! My heart jumped, and I quickly realized, "Whoa, I asked God specifically to show me a miracle this week!!!"

I discovered that I intercede, or even stumble upon wonders in my life, or for others, more than I truly realize. Yet I also have the potential to inhibit myself from truly witnessing these moments. Too much constant focus on myself, incessant negativity/attention to things I wish I could change(/don't want to change!), attachment to different distractions like social media (SO so so guilty...though I believe miracles can be witnessed there too!), pride in going my own way, or even disbelief in my creator's ability to perform miracles can potentially get in the way of seeing the miraculous. I'm even just now upon a chapter in a book, "The Jesus I Never Knew," by Philip Yancey, Miracles: Snapshots of the Supernatural, he says, "Faith can produce miracles, but miracles don't always produce faith." Hm. Hm! So even when I'm seeing & believing for these wonders, consciously or subconsciously (in my own sinfulness), may not be receiving them each and every one of them for the true beauty that they are. 

That leads me to: How often am, at the same time SEEING wonders of God's goodness, also DOUBTING the miraculous around me? Lately I will admit in my world, I have seemed to be in a bit of a drag. Approaching 1 year as an expat in a foreign country, the "spark" of a new place can seemingly start to wear off. But, wait bull-headed, boisterous Brittany...remember when you prayed for the manifestation of where you are living, what you are doing, the community you have, etc, in this exact moment in time?! How fickle my humaness fails me, I spin around in the same cycle of ungrateful, self-centered, cycle. It is SO easy to get caught in the every day as a chore...to live as if nothing is special or Supernatural...to live as if everything is mundane, normal, unnoticed. But the life we're given (even more so as Believers saved by the most scandalous GRACE imaginable!) is not just to be simply endured! More than that, there IS Supernatural in the everyday, ever-normal moments. That is where Jesus wants to meet me most. What happens when it doesn't seem like those sweet miracles are happening // if we don't recognize them? Many times it's easy to say "seeing is believing," yet the crux of Christian faith is essentially based upon: "Now faith is confidence in what we hope for and assurance about what we do not see." [Hebrews 11:1 NIV] Of course he's not a genie, but he does care about every little thing in our world, because he cares so deeply for us. His miracles are messy. How much do I believe he is still working even if I don't currently see the wonders or doubt the miracles?

I believe in this time the Lord is showing me they are always there, we only need to be willing {to get out of our own way!} & present {to invite Him in!}, to see them.

Some example, seeing wonders can be big or small:
A child's genuine smile
A friend's encouragement
A rush of wind over me
A clean report of health
A safe travel
A delicious meal
An new or old cherished adventure
A rainy day "people-watching" in a cafe (coffee included!) ....etc etc etc etc!

And, for me, the daily bread of time with Jesus is my lifeline to believe for the miraculous:
A worship song or prayer
A verse or passage of scripture
A time spent in nature
Talking to God in whatever random task I'm doing
Running, journaling, coloring while talking to God
Stillness alone or in the midst of chaos

All of a sudden, normal things become more beautiful with Jesus. This daily bread is so, very, incredibly, endlessly vital.
 

#ScripturalSurvivalSnippets for me: 

1} Take up my cross daily [Matthew 16:24]  

2} Cast my anxieties upon my Father [1 Peter 5:7] 

3} Faith in what I do not see [Hebrews 11:1]

This walk was (of course!), not meant to be miraculous in every moment, yet the one who we look to makes it wondrous & IS the wondrous, miraculous one. In him, one simple moment can knock you to your knees in wonder. In him, any mourning can turn to dancing and sorrow turn to joy. I've certainly got nothing miraculous about myself, other than I'm the daughter of a most high king! I know in my utter sinfulness I'll keep missing the wonders, and I'll keep doubting the miraculous. But, He'll be there again and again and again and again. In my father's promise, I can continually keep trying to see the wonders and trust the miracles that He intends! In the meantime, his daily bread has to be enough for me.

FoMo #prayerpoetry

FoMo

a struggle as of late-a Fear of Missing out

somehow through life we fundamentally doubt

travel more. make better plans. get a raise. 

nothing can satisfy but bringing Your praise

grumbling over plans lost. wavering over feeling alone

nothing but my selfish heart, lord, you desire to postpone

you invite me to dwell in the secret place

you quiet my spirit to rest in the always-awaiting grace

you wait regardless; in the midst of my wanderings

you are the Author, giving eye-opening ponderings

the one who knows what was and is, and is to come

one who can't compare present trials to glory in kingdom

focusing on the past; oh it debilitates my joy

come and bring your presence, no truer lasting joy

fixating on the future; oh it cripples me with fear

come and speak to my soul with promises near

i cannot do this life on my own understanding

whirls of comparing, questioning, a heart distrusting

thank you that being with you is always enough

thank you that you go before me, calling my bluff

you know me, after all!

you're the embodiment of wonderful

you love me, after all!

your radical nature catches my every fall

you want me, after all!

yours has no compare humanly possible

you're the prize i always wanted // you're the reason i can dance // you're the sole approval i've counted // you're the giver of chance after chance after chance

because your love casts everything else out

i am. not. missing. out. 

a messy 2015

messy 2015

it's been a beautiful mess. I can't reiterate those words enough. Beautifully hard. Messily awesome. A move to Hong Kong...Leaving behind New York. A new "fairy-tale-like" job...an opposite, at times lonely, schedule. New community established...leaving behind old community family. Feeling larger than life and yet smaller than small. New life and death in our friends & families. Countless new friends like family...missing old ones & blood relatives dearly. Miracle seasons from the Lord witnessed...silence & confusing seasons questioned. Brimming over with new God-inspired ideas...lost for words completely. New adventures & unexpected travels...First time living away from my home country. 

people people people

The amount of visitors we have had the pleasure of hosting in our Hong Kong home is actually astounding. We love hosting. We know we have a gift for hospitality and we love love love to share that. Little did we know just how much that gift would be stretched at "Hotel Meyer"! Old friends, new friends, acquaintances, work buddies, unexpected visits, friends of friends of friends..what an opportunity to meet, learn from, love on, & just have fun with so many people from all walks of life. Heartfelt greetings and farewells to new faces, seasons, situations, colleagues, weather conditions (yes HK summer I'm still not over you), Disney guests (coming to work, at work, leaving from work), strangers passing by in the crawling MTR lines (when you feel like a tiny ant in a swarming underground and hill). To be completely transparent, while it has been such a joy it has also left me; personally; spinning. Sort of like when you go through a revolving door too fast, things can get fuzzy & distorted. It's like my mind has somehow blocked out chunks of time & I cannot even remember all the people I've seen or even every detail of shared encounters. But you know, cheesy as it sounds, I do remember how I felt: deep joy to know & love others and be known & loved each day.

fullness & emptiness. exhilaration & exhaustion.

Giving so much love. Receiving so much love. Having a heart explosion from those love exchanges that both lifts you up fully and completely deflates you down empty somehow at the same time. Hellos and goodbyes. Wanting time to just stand still but it somehow just rushes like quick-sand out from under you. Rushing...rushing to work, from work, to get home...everywhere & in between so that I can see those I love  // volunteer // get to work...you name it. As we were both encouraged & warned, our life as Expats in Asia has somehow raced by faster than any other time period, one crazy experience to the next. Seeing new sites in our city alone or with new friends. Full full full work, church, or private experiences, adventures, parties, dinners, dates, movies...you-name-it.

weakness in self; strength in the Good Father 

I don't think I've encountered a time as of yet in my life thus far where I've felt this weak, unworthy, or just plain aware of my sinful nature. Struggles with aloneness & quiet or being unable to see my husband, friends or family more often has truly tested & worn me down. Trying to do more or be better but always, always falling short. It's ok Brittany. I may be weighed down, but being willing for even a moment in my Father's presence gives me the chance to be truly free from all pressures & expectations of this world. I only have to be willing to go to those secret places and forget the other meaninglessness. Every other kind of "stuff" in this life is, literally, meaningless in comparison! oh, this year, I cannot even put into words the JOYS of seeing myself for what I am, truly nothing without Jesus in my life, is so life-alteringly miraculous & beautiful. I am worthy. I am worthy only because my Jesus made me worthy. 

2015 may have been a whirlwind, but I know one thing: that I have truly lived, loved, & learned this year more than ever before. Growth requires stretching, discomfort, & even pain sometimes. I may spend my last day of the year feeling "spent," (at my awesome job that I love...working on a Holiday with a big smile!) but every second has been worth it. What if I didn't rush to help out with a community group meal? What if I just said "hey find another place to stay" What if I had said no to Hong Kong?! There is someone who needs me. There is something that won't get accomplished if I'm not there. Everything has two beautifully messy sides. The hardest joys (for instance, moving across the world) and sweetest sorrows (for instance, moving across the world) of life are worth it all. Saying "yes" numerous times to living fully this year is something I'll never regret & live in gratitude for the rest of my life. (All that being said, I'm also acutely aware that there is also time to stop & take stock...or consider my "no's" to things with perhaps more wisdom at my young age...but, big-picture, I always want to live with a life that is willing to say yes to living fully & purposefully. Great things come at great costs. Here's to 2016 (& having more naps, #Lawd!)

restless until i find rest in You

it's time for a heart check. what's going on inside me when things seem to go awry? when plans fall through. when I trip & fall literally (all-too frequently!) or figuratively. when my health fails me. when I become paranoid about the littlest things. when I worry about the pain & suffering in the world. when i am hurting for a friend's loss. when i question unanswered prayers, tragedies, or lonely seasons. when I show up somewhere and have to turn around & go back because I forgot my stupid passport (riding back on the ferry as we speak!). the list goes on, from little petty things to bigger important things. this struggle has been on my heart so frequently...i've so been longing to share, but I simply couldn't quite find the words. i know that life is hardly perfect (that makes it beautifully awesome too!), yet why am I still sometimes crushed in spirit at the myriad of unexpected situations life inevitably brings? why do I, at times, resort to childlike behaviour; bent out of shape, spiralling about internally; when these moments arise? are they dictating my spirit & crippling my ability to rest in my Father's faithful, awesome promises? of course it's ok to have a bad day. of course i can ask "why" to big questions. of course I find it healthy to mourn troubles of all kinds...to feel deeply, as we were so intricately created to do! yet, i ask myself, honestly, how is my heart hurting or aching, as of late, when these things happen? 

it's restless. what makes up that restless frame of heart, mind, & spirit?
what has been my method of coping when these things happen?

first, allowing fear to come in. fear for the unknown. fear of having to be uncomfortable. fear of having to be comfortable (hah!). fear for having to work something out or walk into something new. fear to share my story. all kinds of fear. as I write I am listening to "No Longer Slaves" by (my favorite!) Bethel Music, sings "I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God." what a powerful declaration to sing over our lives! acknowledging that many outwards situations around us can trigger fear, but we serve a Creator who we believe can literally tame the seas & move the mountains! i love that God's presence is the absolute, perfect antidote to fear. 2 timothy 1:7 empowers me "for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." our Father also guides us in seeking His face rather than circumstantial matters: matthew 6:25 "therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?...& 6:33-34 "but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own." easier said than done for me, of course, but I love that an example such as this one of the word of God can give us quite simple tools that help put so much into perspective. seek Him. do not worry. live in the moment today.

second, fighting for gratitude & find joy. How genuinely thankful am I? how does my attitude handle these "setbacks" that, in the grand scheme, are so minuscule & insignificant? do i genuinely thank God for those things or resent situations or people or things that go awry? my Father in Heaven encourages me how I can respond in trials & challenges: "consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4) what a promise! an upside-down principle, that trials can bring JOY, aka something I can have the opportunity to genuinely welcome & celebrate unexpected "wrongs" as opportunities to further shape my spirit. "In your presence there is fullness of joy" Psalm 16:11 comes to mind, because I undoubtedly know it's true, there's simply nothing like His presence: that is with me every second of every day. it never leaves me. it answers me and comforts me to the core. i simply have to fight for it & find it.

lastly, simply letting God stop me in my tracks. I've felt it from the holy spirit's gentle nudging that the Lord just wants to stop me. stop me to let him have my full attention, not other, less important things. it reminds me of a best friend, who simply wants to have true quality time with me, yet I brush them off without giving the undivided attention they deserve. i know my God is jealous for me & yearns for me on my behalf. when I stop & let God show me what he wants to show me, beautiful things can happen. when I get out of my own plans & agendas & ask my Father what he would have me do. heck, moving to Hong Kong was sort of a real-life manifestation of that. when i'm happy to rest in His love regardless of where i am//where i live//what i do, insteading of rushing about from one thing to the next. my spirit is revived, my heart contented, and I'm able to be poured into so that I can help others who also need it. after all, this journey of faith is so much more about who ELSE needs a fresh touch, sharing that deep love that dwells inside us with others.

i LOVE this from St Augustine: "You have formed us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless until they find rest in you." 

& a favorite C.S. Lewis: “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”

i know i will fight through these things down to maybe even every second, but I'm continually reminded that my faith is a DAILY walk in which i unendingly have the chance to fall down (literally & figuratively!) and get back up again. yep, that means bad attitudes, hurt pride, expletives flying, temper tantrums, etc. but my God is incredible! he sees all those things and he LOVES THEM. he sees to the deepest depths of who i am. he knows the pains of my heart & every heart on earth. he loves them so much that He flipped the world upside down to pay the price for them. oh, he's one of unending grace, a biggest cheerleader, who is so close, a best "friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24). friends, let us prepare our hearts for the undeniable restlessness that will come as a result of our deeply infallible, but incredible human selves, situations, & world. what a clear lense there is when we know we weren't meant for this world. let's combat fear, fight for gratitude, find joy, & make time for the One who deserves it most & so longingly wants time to move in us. i know I can't ever even pretend to do it without Him.

I'm a mess, and it's worth it. my Father makes it beautiful.

{enjoy the links throughout that are favorite//frequent anthems to my soul!}

god's place

is like falling into a fluffy pillow

breathing in a cool breeze

standing in a summer rain

gazing at an endless sunset

reaching a hidden mountaintop

being surrounded by a million butterflies

watching a thousand shooting stars

falling into a soft blowing wind

for the weary

you've known me forming in the womb

you've known the yearnings of my soul

in secret, the cries of desperation & longing

are never far from your watchful Love

deep down You understand each pain

my request remains: rescue what's broken

come fill every inch of doubtful fear

reinstate the hope of the Savior's blood

do what cannot be done in the flesh

joy, abounding joy, enveloping sorrow

taking back what the fallen angel steals

an unswerving attention on You

a peace far-surpassing human realms

refocusing on present privileges bestowed

evaporate guilt at the seeping source for good

replacing idols with undeniable revelations

Jesus at the center, I declare in faith!

for the day

come quickly to my aid

when i am overcome with the world

draw me into your ready closeness

prepare me in full armour for day's battles

breastplate // sword // shield at hand

allow my struggles to only better equip

my dreams to only fade to Your will

if my plans don't succeed, You are present

should my tongue wrestle, Your Word pierces

may my walk be blameless in your sight

for the heart

most High creator of all things 

come close to my fragile Spirit

bask Your love on me

take the moments that are yet to come

seal the memories that have passed

remember the desires of this sinner

withhold what You may - but never your Spirit

this all I ask: that I may dwell in Your arms

trading deepest hopes for truest promises

give me glimpses of eternal glories

render my portions useless if not surrendered

remind me the source of my very being

a hedge of protection around my vacant heart

unswerving attention on You

bring it all to Your throne

may my springs never run dry

overflowing love for all

swift to repentance

encaptured in the Father's love

loosened grip on self-reliance

accepting of my utter brokenness

unabashedly willing to share

open to the places You'll take me

glad to sing a song for You

pouring out what's left of me

positive my own answers aren't enough

unable to live a breath without You

thirsty for new revelation

drowning in helpless surrender

hopeful for Your return

steadfast on your promises

shaking off useless fear

expectant for the unknown

relinquishing every grip of life

alive to the freedom of truth

dead to the struggles of past

speaking newness into ashes

believing the reality of impossible

stirring a faith unseen awakened

living in unchartered territory

laughing at the enemy's schemes

discovering the wonder of foreignness

developing intangible God-character

raising up like-minded family

forgetting no one along the path

impossible not to share Heaven's song

pointing toward beauty all around

reflecting the profound prints of God

soaking up each precious moment

aware that a future breath is fleeting

chasing the most perfect love of all

leaving the meaningless attempts behind

willing to give everything for One

witnessing glimpses of eternity

withholding my plans for greater promise 

reliving my salvation story for all to see

watching life transform before my eyes

pushing forward in pursuit

turning back never an option

stopping at nothing to see Glory

awaiting a lifetime for one moment

abandoning known for unknown

w o r s h i p

{a poem}

sensationally symphonic sound

heavenly honing in on honoring Him

radically revolving in real revelations

intrinsically inspiring a new, intricate ideology

powerfully presenting a passionate plea for praise

wondrously washing in a new a new wave of awe

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

but it isn't a sound

no, it isn't a sound--kind of like

love isn't a feeling

it's a l i f e s t y l e

it's a w a y o f l i f e

it's a "d o - i t - a n y w a y" when you really don't want to MOMENT

it's a "d o n 't - d o - i t" when you really want to CHOICE

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

my husband recently told me "you bring so much worship into my life"

i'm sorry?

#BestComplimentEver

#HubbyWinningPoints

and i got to thinking about just why that could be so?

is it because i loooove worship music, blasting it in our apartment everyday?

is it because in my spare time i attempt to write worship songs? 

is it because i'm that person with arms flailing // *hott mess* crying most sunday's during service?

is it because i desire to be in full-time ministry one day?

no.

no. no.

it's not "because of" 

ANYTHING i did. period. or could EVER do!

i'm a fallible, #NumberOneSinner over here

in fact, i don't deserve to have that "ability" or "influence" on someone

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -                                                                 - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

it reminds me of a verse that Paul said so perfectly, that we can stand accept as universal truth for us all. Speak this to yourself just as he declared:

"I thank Christ Jesus our Lord, who has given me strength, that he considered me trustworthy, appointing me to his service. Even though I was once a blasphemer and a persecutor and a violent man, I was shown mercy because I acted in ignorance and unbelief. The grace of our Lord was poured out on me abundantly, along with the faith and love that are in Christ Jesus.

Here is a trustworthy saying that deserves full acceptance: Christ Jesus came into the world to save sinners—of whom I am the worst. But for that very reason I was shown mercy so that in me, the worst of sinners, Christ Jesus might display his immense patience as an example for those who would believe in him and receive eternal life. Now to the King eternal, immortal, invisible, the only God, be honor and glory for ever and ever. Amen."

                                                                                                                                      1 Timothy 1

this is the power we all have! through Christ, we are more than W O R T H Y to W O R S H I P

 

He is the w a y of w o r s h i p

We are his w o r k m a n s h i p

Him w o r k i n g in us

+

Us w i l l i n g in heart

=

perfect worship

a heart of f a v o r & o b e d i e n c e

this week i felt compelled & led to read the story of Esther

 i believe it carries a beautiful message about

F A V O R

&

O B E D I E N C E

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as a young girl Esther lost both her parents & in turn was raised by Mordecai {a former exiled Jew}. the bible says that as Esther prepared herself in the twelve months to being considered for queen based upon King Xerxes' edict to "let the girl who pleases the king be queen instead of Vashti," {who had previously disobeyed his wishes} that:

"Esther won the favor of everyone who saw her" {ch. 2 v. 15}

after her demeanor greatly pleased the King, Esther was celebrated & crowned queen. meanwhile, Haman, who Xerxes had appointed as highest noble, deeply resented Mordecai for his unwillingness to bow to him outside the king's gate. enraged, he created a plot to not only kill Mordecai but spread a massacre of every the Jew in the kingdom {unbenounced to Xerxes}. after discovering this, Mordecai sent word to Esther was immediately: 

"to go to the kings presence to beg for mercy and plead with him for her people" {ch. 4 v. 8}

Esther was terrified to complete this task as the newly appointed queen. all her life, Mordicai had always intentionally asked her to a keep her nationality a secret. She pleaded with Mordecai:

"all the king's officials and the people of royal provinces know that for any man or woman who approaches the king in the inner court without being summoned the king has but one law: that he be put to death. the only exception to this us for the king to extend the gold scepter to him and spare his life..." {ch. 4 v. 11}

in this i see a set up for f a v o r

{p l a c e d in a p o s i t i o n of p e r f e c t // p o w e r} 

{f a v o r isn't f e i g n e d; it's f r e e l y f l o w i n g}

Mordecai sent these words to Esther in immediate response to her initial doubts:

"do not think that because you are in the king's house you alone of all the Jews will escape...and who knows but that you have come to royal position for such a time as this?" {ch. 4 v.13, 14}

*{p l a c e d in a p o s i t i o n of p e r f e c t // p o w e r} here we have hit a major theme of the story, and a verse that many of us are familiar with // have heard before. Esther is walking into her destiny without even knowing it. her whole life story is a set up for a major dramatic climax in this moment "for such a time as this." she has the weight of not just her people, but potentially herself & her hidden identity on the line to reveal to the king. but that weight is there intentionally as a {precursor to a penultimate play out} for what is to come. i don't know about you, but when i read this line of scripture i was utterly fixated on this line, i read it over & over & felt the living words infiltrating my spirit. {aka the most wonderful feeling ever!} i encourage myself & us all to hone in on it for what it means in the reality of our lives at this very moment. i guarantee there is something you are walking through right now with which you can step up to the plate exclaiming "for such a time as this!" 

*{f a v o r isn't f e i g n e d; it's f r e e l y f l o w i n g} how crazy a story is it for a displaced daughter one day to be essentially catapulted into royalty the next? only the Lord could grant that kind of favor! only the Lord could appoint someone with a softened heart towards the Jews, his promised & chosen people, to complete a necessary task against the evil Haman wanted to create!

King Xerxes: "now what is your petition? it will be given you. And what is your request? even up to half the kingdom, it will be granted"

*{g r a n t..f a v o r // f a v o r..g r a n t e d} Esther WAS the only exception as she described earlier in her own words {initially as a reason to fear!} in not addressing the King. we see this above in Xerxes' gracious generosity to give her whatever is asked. how on earth could he respond with such willingness other than the fact that he is utterly enraptured by her to give her full authority over as much as half of the kingdom? i see this situation as a metaphor for the granted favor God had over her life flowing into the favor granted by Xerxes!

in this i also see a set up for o b e d i e n c e

for Esther to

{r i s e up in r e l e n t l e s s // r e q u e s t}

{the p l e a is more p u r p o s e f u l than the p l a n}

"i will go to the king, even though it is against the law. and if i perish, i perish" {ch. 4 v. 16}

Esther believed & followed through that taking a stand for her people was more important than her own life

Esther repeatedly replies this with e x q u i s i t e // e a s e throughout the story:

"if it pleases the king, my petition and my request is this: if the king regards me with favor and if it please the king to grant my petition and fulfill my request..."

*{r i s e up in r e l e n t l e s s // r e q u e s t} Esther did this so flawlessly. i hope & pray with all my heart that we too can exercise this radical nature in interacting with our own Heavenly Father as Esther did in facing a momentous task before King Xerxes. and to think how much more approachable // enveloping // inviting // welcoming our God is in comparison with a seemingly unapproachable // excluding // uninviting // unwelcoming King-figure-archetype?! {not that all Kings are that way!} this should propel us all the more towards the idea: that we could // that we should // that we have access to...as one of my most favorite scriptures says,

"approach the throne of grace with confidence, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help us in our time of need" {Hebrews 4:16}

not going in with a {b o i s t r o u s // b o m b a s t i c // b l o w}, but with an {a w e s t r u c k      a s s u r e d // a p p r o a c h} that when we humbly come before the King of Kings & Lord of Lords he is MORE than abundantly full of all we need to receive. what if she had gone into the situation demanding // interrupting // challenging the very nature of the King? his response would've undoubtedly been different, likely not in her favor. even with the stakes so high // the issue so pressing, she uses "if" in submission to him, acknowledging firsthand his dominion & Lordship over her. as we have seen, this {p e r s u a s i v e // p o w e r} in her words is a direct correlation to his reply: he receives what she has said in the sincerest // earnest // most genuine of ways because she has every intention of it sounding that way! 

*{the p l e a is more p u r p o s e f u l than the p l a n} i absolutely love Esther's repeated plea throughout the book...so much that i have been {p r a c t i c i n g it over my own p r a y e r s}! more specifically, i mean that when Esther asks for the King's blessing, she is in every verbal way laying down her desires, her dreams, her very p e r s o n {and her very p e o p l e!} as more important than WHAT will transpire, in echo of his response, in the end. another way of saying it: how she expresses the weight of the situation will weigh more than the situation itself. whoa.

"father, if you are willing, take this cup from me; yet not my will, but yours be done" {Luke 22:42}

Jesus himself even obeyed with one of his final pleas in the New Testament with his Father

let us take heart that we, should we choose to believe it // receive it // decree it, DAILY, MINUTE-LY, SECOND-LY carry the same F A V O R & O B E D I E N C E as Queen Esther. like each of us, she was a common daughter of God set up for an uncommon destiny. the specific choices in her heart set up for the definitive actions to come: ultimately saving the very FUTURE of her PEOPLE, setting the KINGDOM up for PROSPERITY, & lifting Mordecai to a high place deserving of honor & exalt for his unwavering loyalty. i believe with all my heart that Esther rose to her position because of her heart. i believe we can do the same in our lives in the here & now. we know"the living word of God is alive & active today. sharper than any double edged sword, it penetrates even to dividing soul & marrow" {Hebrews 4:12}!! 

whatever it is we face, we know the words of her undeniably loyal father Mordecai ring true:

"and who knows but that {Y O U have C O M E} to {R O Y A L P O S I T I O N} 

for such a {T I M E as T H I S}"

{Esther 4:14}

first corinthians two: three-five; ten {ish}

 i was unsure of how to go about this, & felt 

totally inadequate

so nothing i could have said could have impressed you or anyone else

but the message

came through anyway

God's spirit & God's power did it, which made it clear that your life of faith is a response to God's

POWER--not some f a n c y mental or emotional f o o t w o r k 

by me or anyone else

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - 

No one’s ever seen or heard anything like this,
Never so much as imagined anything quite like it—
What God has arranged for those who love him.

my best friend

so good. so sweet. so perfect. so magnificent. so unfathomable. so great. so mighty. so completely wonderful. so caressing. so mine. so divine. so close. so majestic. so awe-inspiring. so creative. so all-encompassing. so thoughtful. so real. so tangible. so detail oriented. so magical. so powerful. so big. so vast. so expansive. so infinite. so totally awesome. so brilliant. so incredible. so perfectly timed. so caring. so ridiculously amazing. so grace filled. so righteous. so wise. so profound. so overflowing. so abounding. so worthy. so inclusive. so all-knowing. so determined. so in love with us. so in love with me. so radical. so not comfortable. so radiant. so shining. so notorious. so light filled. so spacious. so patient. so tender. so compassionate. 

p p p p p

we often pontificate as human beings: 

the intrinsic purpose from the past. 

the ever changing plans for each new day. 

the possibility of tomorrow

all while we search for truth & beauty in life  

good

Jesus, i BELIEVE with all my heart you are doing GOOD THINGS in my life behind the seams

When it appears "everyone else is moving forward," I KNOW those thoughts are LIES from Satan

 You make ALL THINGS NEW. you have PERFECT TIMING. you've never failed, WONT START NOW

My deep & unspeakable DREAMS have VALUE to you, you desire to see them come to fruition!

good

You author everything inside of my soul -- that GOD OPPORTUNITY is ON THE WAY!

You do all things "for the GOOD of those you LOVE!" 

You speak into existence what does not exist; create & spoke earth into BEING // how am i any different?

I BELIEVE & RECEIVE EVERYTHING you have for me. If I am to act more assertively on something, show me

Give me the strength & endurance to go for my GOD DREAMS