it's time for a heart check. what's going on inside me when things seem to go awry? when plans fall through. when I trip & fall literally (all-too frequently!) or figuratively. when my health fails me. when I become paranoid about the littlest things. when I worry about the pain & suffering in the world. when i am hurting for a friend's loss. when i question unanswered prayers, tragedies, or lonely seasons. when I show up somewhere and have to turn around & go back because I forgot my stupid passport (riding back on the ferry as we speak!). the list goes on, from little petty things to bigger important things. this struggle has been on my heart so frequently...i've so been longing to share, but I simply couldn't quite find the words. i know that life is hardly perfect (that makes it beautifully awesome too!), yet why am I still sometimes crushed in spirit at the myriad of unexpected situations life inevitably brings? why do I, at times, resort to childlike behaviour; bent out of shape, spiralling about internally; when these moments arise? are they dictating my spirit & crippling my ability to rest in my Father's faithful, awesome promises? of course it's ok to have a bad day. of course i can ask "why" to big questions. of course I find it healthy to mourn troubles of all kinds...to feel deeply, as we were so intricately created to do! yet, i ask myself, honestly, how is my heart hurting or aching, as of late, when these things happen?
it's restless. what makes up that restless frame of heart, mind, & spirit?
what has been my method of coping when these things happen?
first, allowing fear to come in. fear for the unknown. fear of having to be uncomfortable. fear of having to be comfortable (hah!). fear for having to work something out or walk into something new. fear to share my story. all kinds of fear. as I write I am listening to "No Longer Slaves" by (my favorite!) Bethel Music, sings "I'm no longer a slave to fear, I am a child of God." what a powerful declaration to sing over our lives! acknowledging that many outwards situations around us can trigger fear, but we serve a Creator who we believe can literally tame the seas & move the mountains! i love that God's presence is the absolute, perfect antidote to fear. 2 timothy 1:7 empowers me "for God has not given us a spirit of fear, but of power and of love and of a sound mind." our Father also guides us in seeking His face rather than circumstantial matters: matthew 6:25 "therefore I tell you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or drink; or about your body, what you will wear. is not life more than food, and the body more than clothes?...& 6:33-34 "but seek first his kingdom and his righteousness, and all these things will be given to you as well. therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. each day has enough trouble of its own." easier said than done for me, of course, but I love that an example such as this one of the word of God can give us quite simple tools that help put so much into perspective. seek Him. do not worry. live in the moment today.
second, fighting for gratitude & find joy. How genuinely thankful am I? how does my attitude handle these "setbacks" that, in the grand scheme, are so minuscule & insignificant? do i genuinely thank God for those things or resent situations or people or things that go awry? my Father in Heaven encourages me how I can respond in trials & challenges: "consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything." (James 1:2-4) what a promise! an upside-down principle, that trials can bring JOY, aka something I can have the opportunity to genuinely welcome & celebrate unexpected "wrongs" as opportunities to further shape my spirit. "In your presence there is fullness of joy" Psalm 16:11 comes to mind, because I undoubtedly know it's true, there's simply nothing like His presence: that is with me every second of every day. it never leaves me. it answers me and comforts me to the core. i simply have to fight for it & find it.
lastly, simply letting God stop me in my tracks. I've felt it from the holy spirit's gentle nudging that the Lord just wants to stop me. stop me to let him have my full attention, not other, less important things. it reminds me of a best friend, who simply wants to have true quality time with me, yet I brush them off without giving the undivided attention they deserve. i know my God is jealous for me & yearns for me on my behalf. when I stop & let God show me what he wants to show me, beautiful things can happen. when I get out of my own plans & agendas & ask my Father what he would have me do. heck, moving to Hong Kong was sort of a real-life manifestation of that. when i'm happy to rest in His love regardless of where i am//where i live//what i do, insteading of rushing about from one thing to the next. my spirit is revived, my heart contented, and I'm able to be poured into so that I can help others who also need it. after all, this journey of faith is so much more about who ELSE needs a fresh touch, sharing that deep love that dwells inside us with others.
i LOVE this from St Augustine: "You have formed us for Yourself, and our hearts are restless until they find rest in you."
& a favorite C.S. Lewis: “If we find ourselves with a desire that nothing in this world can satisfy, the most probable explanation is that we were made for another world.”
i know i will fight through these things down to maybe even every second, but I'm continually reminded that my faith is a DAILY walk in which i unendingly have the chance to fall down (literally & figuratively!) and get back up again. yep, that means bad attitudes, hurt pride, expletives flying, temper tantrums, etc. but my God is incredible! he sees all those things and he LOVES THEM. he sees to the deepest depths of who i am. he knows the pains of my heart & every heart on earth. he loves them so much that He flipped the world upside down to pay the price for them. oh, he's one of unending grace, a biggest cheerleader, who is so close, a best "friend who sticks closer than a brother" (Proverbs 18:24). friends, let us prepare our hearts for the undeniable restlessness that will come as a result of our deeply infallible, but incredible human selves, situations, & world. what a clear lense there is when we know we weren't meant for this world. let's combat fear, fight for gratitude, find joy, & make time for the One who deserves it most & so longingly wants time to move in us. i know I can't ever even pretend to do it without Him.
I'm a mess, and it's worth it. my Father makes it beautiful.
{enjoy the links throughout that are favorite//frequent anthems to my soul!}