There's no use getting around it: I hate change. I hate goodbyes. I hate when seasons end. I hate when schedules change. I hate when things feel out of control and all cray cray. I'm a stage 5 clinger, in the worst way. Clinging to the present, the way things are now...which is really imminently slipping through & becoming the past. There's one. I cling to the past so freaking hard.
...Let's not also forget that I tend to strongly dislike it when things don't change when I want them to--it's a reverse nightmare of human nature! How much am I unable to stand it when "so much" in my world stays the exact same and I feel stuck and left behind. When living in a huge city where most are coming in & out like a revolving door--goodbyes & hellos are so frequent, one cannot keep count. When I wonder and head-scratchingly pontificate on the future of when I will move from this place//when I'll have kids//when when when will it all happen? There's another! I cling to the future so freaking hard.
Here it comes again. It seems as if I'm always faced with change (or lack there of) in Hong Kong. I can feel it, this is one of those challenges I'm supposed to embrace!! Yet every time it smacks me in the face and knocks me off my feet and punches me in the gut. The end of a contract, a goodbye to a friend I've spent a majority of my days with, a slew of timely visitors so fully chaotic & wonderful to have, yet gut-suckingly painful to watch depart. I don't desire anything to change, yet I want everything to change, all at the same time.
It's good to cling to some things...no? I would certainly agree, otherwise how would I deeply connect to things in the way that only I, Brittany, uniquely do? My Father made me that way, only in my mess I misguidedly continue to cling to the wrong things, things that take my attention off His good gifts. Cling to wisdom...Cling to grace...Cling to hope....HOPE. That's it! That's the word where my spirit jumps and I do a little dance inside like "God, you got me, I know that was you!" The one and absolute and perfectly obvious remedy for me that I miss, and fight for, and never fully attain. Not a hope in myself or my future or my things or my goals. A simple hope in the One. A pure, unashamed hope in the Father who wants to lavish his love on me. The One who NEVER changes. The One who is so steadfast and unchanging that it blinds me, in the best way, to focus on Him alone and get off myself and my circumstances. The Reminder-er who will stop time and ask me to simply "be" and "be with" Him to have some of the best chill time on planet earth.
Thus far in 27 years God has been pretty epic with the timing of my life. Why don't I just step back off the gas pedal and remind myself how infinitely, perfectly, ridiculously awesome his timing is..in all things! Jesus, help me to Hope for You and nothing else (lawd help me!) Help me not to put my ultimate, deepest Hope in change (or lack there of). 🙏🏼